If I Stay
by HeIsTheSunAndITheMoon
Summary: This is the most important decision she'll ever have to make. And she'll make it in one day. She's lost everything, now caught between life and death,a happy past and an unknowable future;what will her decision be?
1. An Impossible Choice

**Yay. New Story. :O Wow... I'm a machine xD jaykay. Hehe anyways this story, well the Idea belongs to the author of If I stay (can't remember name xD) anyways, if you have any idea as to what it can be called... Be my guest. **

**Well Read and review... then tell me how I did :)**

**thanks **

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Stay?

Leave?

How did people make these kind of decisions? Did they even make these kind of decisions? If so, why? Why are these decisions so hard to make? I made decisions all the time, but none like this. This shouldn't be up to me, should it? My God, couldn't someone make this decision for me? I looked up at the ceiling hoping I would get some kind of signal.

Nothing.

I shook my head, looking down at my heart monitor. "Beep. Beep. Beep..." my heart was beating normally. If I wanted to leave, do I just stop... But stop what?

I then looked at the lonely man sitting by my heart monitor, holding my hand. Lending me strength; his strength. I wanted to rustle his hair, tell him everything would be okay...but I knew otherwise.

Because how I can I stay in this world? When I had nothing left, not matter what I didn't know, I knew the truth. The answer was simple:

I couldn't.

I just can't stay in this world; not after _this. _How can people go through this? I don't think I'll ever comprehend. My heart was aching, feeling the loss of everything. I watched myself, laying there in that bed. I looked at him then, the tear that fell out of his eye, onto my hand, and somewhere inside me, I am crying too. I can feel again. Not only the physical pain, the emotional one too. I know that if I decide to stay, my heart will never be the same, feel the same.

I remember the nurses words: _I'm _running the show.

I imagine everything that I have lost.

He squeezes my hand again.

I decide. I know this now.

I hear the beep of my heart monitor, indicating my decision; I hear his voice too.

"Rose?"

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**Review! Please thank you!**

**Cliffy? Oh haha you'll never know what really happens!**

**Jk.**

**You will, but you have to review!**


	2. Gone

_6:59_

_"Beeep. Beeep. Beeep. Beeep-" _

They all blamed it on the snow, and in a way I guess it was true. That morning I woke up to my annoying alarm clock. I wanted to throw it against my wall, and just as I was going to my brother entered the room.

"I don't think it's a good idea. You've already broken 3 this week," on his face was his usual smile. I threw a pillow at him, which he managed to dodge.

"C'mon Rosie, mom's cooking!" I jumped out of bed before he was even finished. My mom cooking? Rare and amazing; well her pancakes were. I followed my twin brother, Mason, out into the kitchen. On the way out I stopped by the big window/door, to the balcony. A white sheet of snow covered everything; I shivered a little.

I hopped down the stairs, running straight to the kitchen. My mom set down the plate of pancakes just as I sat down on the table; I immdiately dug in.

"What? No 'hello, good morning, how are you daddy?' or 'I love you'? Geez, thanks," I rolled my eyes at my father. I set my fork down back on my plate, standing up. I walked to my father, leaned down, and gave him a kiss on his cheek. It always made me giggle, the way his growing hairs tickled me, he shaved every day but there was always the already growing hairs. I also loved the way he smelled; no perfume, all natural. He always smelled like sweet peppermint, mixed with tobacco.

"That's my girl," he said.

"Are you working today, mom?" Mason looked up at mom, and like always I couldn't help but to acknowledge how alike they were. Both redheads, same blue eyes (Janine doesn't have blue eyes? Oh well.) the same size too. While I was the opposite, and looked everything like my father. The same wickedly awesome hair, it looked almost black, and the same brown eyes.

But both Mason and I shared one thing, we were both naturally tanned. And personality wise? The same. He had freckles, I didn't, and although twins, we looked nothing alike.

"No, I took the day off," my mother answered with a smile. That was odd, she rarely took days off. She was very strict, and rarely let loose. My father was the opposite. My mother was a lawyer, he was a history teacher at our school. Everyone loved him.

He told the most weird, yet awesome stories. They were epic. But that was only because of when he was a pothead, and was in a band.

That was also another thing we all shared; music. My dad played the guitar, my brother the drums, and my mother sings. While they were hardcore, I was more soft, my passion was the piano.

"Where we going today that the queen took the day off?" I asked. She rolled her eyes, though she should be used to it. Mason and I are troublemakers, yet he was the nicer one, I tend to speak my mind, and be a bitch about it.

"We are going to visit Aunt Sonya and Uncle Mikhail," she said. Mason and I looked at each other. We hive fived each other.

Sonya and Mika were awesome; Aunt Sonya was slightly crazy, but her along with Uncle Mika were in the band with my mom and dad; they'd just recently had a daughter named Joanna. They were after all only 35 years old.

"That's awesome," I said.

"Yes!" that was my father, always childish.

"Well we're going to drop some clothes at the shelters, so go get ready," my mother ordered us around.

"Fine," both Mason and I muttered.

I got ready wearing a pair of black sweats, a tank top, and a black sweater. I was packing some stuff when Mason entered the room, startling me.

"Boo!" I dropped a box that I kept at the top of the shelf, pictures scattered all over the floor.

"Ass!" I yelled. He chuckled just as my dad entered the room. Mason bent down to help me out everything that had fallen, when he picked up a picture, and a sad look took over. I didn't need to look at the picture to know what it was.

There was a moment of silence, till he gave it back to me. I couldn't resist, I looked down. It was a picture; I smiled at it, despite everything. His hair, like always was tied at the nape of his neck. And like always, one strand of hair, on his left side, hung loose. I stared into the pool of chocolate that were his eyes. I missed him. More than anything.

"It's time to go," my dad whispered. I nodded and put the picture back.

_7:56_

We headed out into the suburban. Music was put on, to lighten the mood, my mood. It was always like this when he was brought up.

"C;mon Rose sing along!" I laughed and started singing to an old song from the 80's.

My chest ached, and I sent my boyfriend a message; "I love you."

The song ended and the commercials begun. "I love you guys," I blurted. They laughed.

"We love you too!" I laughed with them too.

It all happened so soon.

Nobody saw it coming. The swerving car, the bright lights, the cliff.

One moment we were singing and laughing in the truck, the next.

Bam.

Gone.


	3. Alone

_8:15_

I wake up and figure everything's fine; the radio is still working. I make my way out of the car, the cliff wasn't that deep out. I looked at the car, and I almost gasp. It isn't a truck anymore. There's metal everywhere, no seats, no passengers. I figured my family must have been thrown out.

I search around the sheet of snow and find nothing. Then I see it. The blood. Its a big stain on the whiteness. I walk towards it and find my dad there.

"Dad," I call out.

It doesn't register at first, I don't want it to either. He has some metal sticking out from his left side, and I just can't keep looking but I do. I see it then. Gray chunks of what looks like cauliflower.

His brains.

Splattered all over the snow.

I find mom next. There's barely any blood on her, her lips are already blue and the whites of her eyes are red, almost like a zombie; and the red of her eyes, contrast with her red hair. I cover my mouth with my hand, and panic shoots through me.

_Mason! I need to find him. _I spin around, frantic. I fell like all those times when he would wander away, towards the candy isle, and leave me all alone, then he would find me. He would comfort me, like any older brother.

I ran back to the ditch were the truck was, and I see a pale hand.

"Mason! Reach up!" I yell desperately. I lean in closer to find a silver bracelet with a bunch of musical charms. A bracelet Adrian had given me a month ago. _This is my hand. _Its me there, laying in a pool of blood. My skin is peeled at places, so I can see the white streaks of my bone. My eyes are closed, my dark hair hanging around my face, wet with rusty blood.

I look away. This isn't right; it can't 're a family, going on a simple car ride. Its a dream, I fell asleep.

_Wake up! It isn't real. Please stop. Please! _I scream into the cold air, but there's no fogginess. I pinch myself, but I can't feel it. _Wake up! WakeUpWakeUpWakeUpWakeUp! _But I can't. I don't.

I hear something then. Music. I concentrate on that; on the piano strokes. The low c, f,g. I imagine myself playing Beethoven, Bach. I focus on that, hoping this isn't real.

But it's when the sirens come that I realize this is real.

And I'm terrified.

_8:23_

_Am I dead?_

I actually ask myself this.

At first it appears I am. Maybe this out of body thing is just before I go wherever I have to go afterwards. But the paramedics and the firemen are here. My dad has a sheet over his body, and it's almost as if he isn't there, the white of the sheet almost melting into the whiteness of the snow. A firemen zips up my mom into a plastic black bag. I hear him, the older firemen, explaining to a much younger firemen, about my mother's death. "She was probably the first one; cardiac arrest."

That explains the lack of blood.

"When your veins don't pump blood, you don't bleed. You seep." I can't think of my mom, fiery, mom seeping. I look away, walk away from the rookie and the old fireman.

The me lying on the ditch is surrounded by many people; am I dead? I'm half naked, people pumping god knows what into me. One of my breasts is exposed, and even though I'm dead, half dead, whatever it is, I'm embarrassed, so I look away.

The police have already set up the yellow ribbon around the scene. There a lot of people, outside their cars, looking into what happened here. They must have places to go, yet here they are. They look at the scene, then away. A few of them crying in the cold, there's one woman throwing up into the snow, on the side of the road.

They don't know who we are, what happened, yet I can feel it; they're praying for us.

One paramedic a redhead with freckles, who reminds me of Mason, says,"Her Glasgow Coma is an eight! Lets bag her now!" I think of Mason and look around, but I can't find him. And I'm not sure I want to see him, not after mom and dad.

"What's the ETA for Life Flight?" one medic asks. He has blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Ten minutes," the redhair answers. "It takes twenty to get back to town."

"We're getting her there in 15 if you have to speed like a fucking demon." This comes from another medic, a blonde with hazel eyes.

The blonde medic is thinking, it isn't good for me if we crash, and I have to agree. I mean I'm already half dead. He clenches his jaw, yet says nothing. They load me into the ambulance, the redhead gets on the back with me, pumping a bag with one hand, and with the other she adjust my IV and monitors.

She smooths out a lock of hair from my forehead.

"Hang in there," she tells me.

The first time I played the piano was when I was six. We'd gone to a music store, Mason had already discovered his passion for the drums, and my parents had been ecstatic.I was the only one left.

We'd entered the big store, my eyes immediately landing on a black piano. While my parents and Mason had run off to the drums, I'd runoff to the piano. I sat down and stroked a few keys, like in tv.

I played a few random keys, when the store clerk came up to me and helped me play a song, "Twinkle twinkle little star". My family came out of the drums room to find me playing, perfectly, a whole song.

They'd been gone for 45 minutes and I'd already learned my few song on the piano.

My mother had gushed and begged my dad to buy me the piano, and from then on I started getting lessons, and by the age of 8 I knew how to play Beethoven.

It was also at that age I had my first recital.

I'd been nervous at first, almost backing out. But my dad, smelling like sweet peppermint and tobacco came to the rescue.

"I used to get the jitters too," he said.

"Liar. You're trying to make me feel better."

"Not true," he argued back.

"What'd you do then?" I asked him. My mother answered for him.

"He got wasted, though I don't recommend that for you."

"Yeah and 8 year old drinking? Not good. Besides, when I dropped my drumsticks and puked on stage it was punk. If you do that, your classical-music snobby people won't like it."

I'd laughed and finally he convinced me to go on stage.

I wasn't perfect, but I got through. With the support of my mother, father, and brother I got through.

But how am I going to go through this _alone?_


	4. Tubes and More Tubes

**This story won't be long... :) So review please.**

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_9:05_

We don't go to my home-town hospital, instead we go to a bigger hospital, that doesn't look like I hospital. I hear the red-headed say something, as she passes me to the doctors and nurses, "I think she has a collapsed lung! Get a chest tube in her and move her out!"

"Where are the rest?" some guy in scrubs asks her. I see her eyes dart towards me, as if she knew I was listening.

"Parents DOA. Other driver is being treated with minor injuries. And we have a boy, her age, behind us."

I let out a huge exhale, as if I'd been holding in my breath for the last few minutes. I hadn't wanted to see him, not after seeing mom and dad... but he's alive.

They take me into a small room with bright lights, where a doctor dabs something orange stuff into my chest, and then he rams a small plastic tube in me. Another doctor shines a flashlight into my eyes, "Non-responsive," he tells the nurse. "Get her to Trauma. Now!"

They rush me out of the ER and into the elevator. I jog to keep up with them, and just as the elevator doors close, I see Sonya. Was she called her, because of us? Wheres Mikhail? Her eyes dart from place to place, but she's concentrated.

When the elevator doors open, we're on the roof, and there's a helicopter, sitting in the middle of a big, red circle, it's blades swooshing the air. I've never been in a helicopter before.

But my best friend Lissa, has. Her father owns one, actually.

Lissa. Does she know yet? I wish she was here. What about Adrian? Do they know yet?

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_10:31_

It takes a while but we arrive at the hospital. Apparently there's a lot of things wrong with me.

I have a collapsed lung, a ruptured spleen, internal bleeding of unknown origin, and the most serious, the contusions on my brain. I have broken ribs, abrasions on my legs, which will require skin grafts; and on my face, which will require cosmetic surgery. But as the doctors say, only if I'm lucky.

While in surgery the doctors have to remove my spleen, insert a new tube to drain my collapsed lung, and stanch whatever else might be causing the internal bleeding; they can't do much for my brain.

"We'll have to wait and see," the doctor says, looking at the CAT scan of my head. "In the mean time, call down to the blood bank. I need two units of O neg and keep two units ahead."

I didn't know I was O negative. I've never thought of it before, never had the time either.

Some of the surgeons argue on what time of music they want. One wants jazz. Another one rock. And the anesthesiologist wants classical. I root for her. And its as if they help, because Wagner begins to play. It's "Walk of the Valkyries." I was hoping for something more like Four Seasons.

As the surgeons operate on me, there's blood everywhere, but it doesn't faze them one bit. They're used to this.

The operation goes on and one. Its exhausting me.

I wonder about the state I am in, I'm not dead, but am I a ghost? Can I transport myself anywhere? To where Mason is?

Just for the sake of experiment, I wiggle my nose like Samantha from bewitched. Nothing happens. I snap my fingers. Click my heels. Nothing. I'm still here.

I decided to try something much more simpler. I walk into the wall, imagining that I'll float right through, to the other side. Except that what happens when I walk into the wall, is that I hit a wall.

A nurse comes in with a new bag of blood. I use this chance to slip through the door.

I'm in the hospital corridor, where there are a lot of operating room, with people in them, sleeping. If they're like me, how come I can't see them? How do I get back to my body?

I follow a nurse through a set of double, automatic, doors, leading to a small, waiting room. My grandparents are here.

Gran is chattering away to Gramps, or the air. Its her way to not let her emotions get the best of her. I've seen it before. When Gramps had his heart attack.

I can't see him, because even though he's old, he looks just like Mason.

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_2:55 _

I just got moved out of the recovery room, and into the trauma intensive-care unit, or ICU. It's a horse-shaped room with about a dozen beds and a cadre of nurses who are constantly checking on the patients.

I have two nurses who check in on me, along with the round of doctors.

There are so many tubes attached to me: one down my throat, breathing for me; one down my nose, keeping my stomach empty; one in my vein, hydrating me; one in my bladder, peeing for me; several on my chest, recording my heartbeat; another on my finger, recording my pulse. No one but the nurses, doctors, and social worker have been in to see me.

The social worker speaks with my grandparents, telling them I'm in 'grave' condition. In TV they're always critical or stable. 'Grave' sound bad. Grave is where you go when things don't work out here.

There's only one person I want to see: Adrian. I want him to sing to me, to soothe me, to hold my hand.

My skin is gray and my eyes are taped shut.

There's a nurse who comes in to check on me, "How's it going sweetheart?" as if we'd bumped into each other at the grocery store.

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.

.

Things weren't easy for Adrian and I. Not after _him. _But we managed to work things out. He managed to make me love him.

After _his _death, I couldn't, wouldn't, love anyone. But it was a year and a half later, that Adrian burst in. We chatted in the cafeteria, now and then. He would sing softly, tell a joke. Make me laugh.

Lissa was jealous, because she hadn't been able to do that.

On our first day we went to a concert. And that's where we went. We went to show after show, and somewhere in there I learned to love him.

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_4:39_

I'm glad when Lissa arrives. She's with her mother Rhea. Rhea is crying, while Lissa tries to stay calm. I know that it takes a lot not to burst out in tears, or turn around and yell at her mother to shut up.

I'm not dead, yet. That's probably why she's being so strong.

My grandparents are there, along with Aunt Alberta, mom's sister, and her husband, Uncle Stan. Their children, Meredith and Eddie are here too. Along with dad's cousin Victor and his daughter Natalie.

Lissa demands to see me, but they tell her not yet, and that either way only family is allowed in. She throws a fit, demanding to see me. She screams at the nurses, making her mother cry even more. It's the final straw because she turns around, angry at Rhea.

"Shut the fuck up! She's not dead! Rose is not dead! Don't be such a baby!" and then she walks away, her mother trailing behind.

She's angry.

The waiting room is silent then.

I wonder where is Adrian?

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**Review, and until next time, which will be sometime next week!**


	5. Death

**Yay another chapter...! Rawr. Sorry for the lateness! **

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><p><em>5:00 <em>

I manage to make it back to my room, without any problems. I sit next to myself, in the nearest chair. It's eerily silent, the only sounds are the machine noises from my body. I can't help but stare at myself, and feel the images flood my mind. From the past and the present.

I panic, not wanting to remember, but I do anyways. My mind takes me back to three years ago. Three painful years ago...

Back to him. The man that taught me how to love.

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.

"Age is just a number."

"And prison is just a room, right?"

I bring my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around myself. I have long, white, knee socks, and boxers that are covered by a long shirt. My hair is up in a pony tail and I lay in Lissa's bed.

"He's only a senior," I mutter.

She looks from doing her toe nails a light pink. Her blonde hair is tied up in a bun, she looks nothing like the girl from school. She puts the nail polish away.

"And you're only a freshman," she stated simply.

"You don't know him," I whisper, looking out her window. Why does she have to be so smart?

"Rose... You only just met him at the pep rally!" she exclaims. That's not true. The prep rally was two days ago, since then I opened up to her about my feelings.

I hesitate and this all she needs.

"When did you meet him?" she asks. Once more I hesitate.

"Two months ago... At the camp fire."

She slouches back in her chair, silent. I look at her, her eyes are shut, her arms are crossed over her chest, and her feet are crossed underneath her. I don't tell her she just probably ruined her nails. She's mad. Mad I didn't tell her about him sooner.

"I'm sorry. It's just... He's a senior, he has a girlfriend, and well, he told me to keep it a secret... It was mutual though." I add the second part when I see the look in her eyes. Now she thinks he forced me to keep this a secret.

"He's a great guy Lissa."

She doesn't look convinced at all. But she doesn't have any time to like him. Two seconds after I tell her that there's a sound on her second floor window. I scramble up to go to the window. I open it up and feel the chill from the cold night. I wave at him from up here, and I feel Lissa behind me.

"Hi Lissa!" he yells. She doesn't say anything so I elbow her.

Choking she says, "Hi Dimitri!"

I hear him laugh as I pull us back inside.

"We're going on a walk to the woods. That's all..."

She rolls her eyes. "Be careful."

I grin at her, "Always."

I get ready and climb down the window, with him laughing behind me. Two feet above the ground, I slip, and I'm ready to accept I'm going to die, painfully.

Two seconds later I'm in his arms.

"Gotcha," he whispers. His hot breath creating a cloud in the dark, cold, night. I stare into the pool of brown that are his beautiful eyes.

"Thank you."

He keeps looking at me, and after a while I'm still in his arms, with him just looking at me as if he's just discovered something truly amazing.

"You can put me down, you know," I whisper. He cracks a smile, setting me down on the floor. Immediately I feel really cold. Damn Montana weather.

We start walking away, towards the woods.

"You're from the arctic wasteland, right?" I ask breaking the silence. I hear him chuckling and I turn my head his direction. After a few seconds I realize what I said, and I slap my hand over my mouth, my eyes wide. We stand in at the entrance of the woods, with him laughing. I move my hand form my mouth to my eyes, then to my forehead. I can feel the heat in my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, my mouth isn't really connected to my mouth..."

He shakes his head.

"No it's funny you think that. I am from Russia, and it's really beautiful." He pauses then continues, "Of course not as much as you."

I feel the heat rise on my cheeks, "Thank you."

He grabs my hand and pulls me forwards, deeper into the woods, where it all began.

* * *

><p>"I never said it was going to be easy, Dimitri," I said quietly, "but I did say it was going to be worth it, right?"<p>

He looks up at me, his serious, angry, face turns into a happy face, with a bright smile, that was just as bright as the sun.

He walks to me, "You did." He bends down to kiss me, deeply.

And just like that my worries are gone.

I don't care that my high school thinks we won't last, I don't care my parents don't approve because he's older, I don't care what the world thinks, because I have him.

"I love you Roza. So, so, much."

With those brown eyes, who can resist him.

"I love you too, Dimitri." I pull strands from his long hair, and tuck them behind his ear.

I could stay like this forever.

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><p>He pulls out of my drive way, the wheels screeching, as he leaves in anger. Not so much as anger, but hurt. Hurt, that once more my parents have told us we can't be together. The beginning of my junior year is here,his third year in college.<p>

I stalk back into my house, grab the keys to my moms car.

"Don't leave this house, Rosemarie," my father warns me.

I glare at him, "If you loved me as much as you did, yo'd let me be happy. Just fuck off, Abe."

I got into the car, starting the engine, and pulling out the driveway the same way Dimitri had. I speed, not caring about anything, until I catch up to him, kind of. He's about 13 feet ahead of me, but I can see him. I honk at him, getting his attention.

My eyes widen, I open my mouth to scream. I see it before he does. The trunk of the tree that's in the middle of the road.

The tree trunk that he's about to run into. I start honking louder, and more desperately. It's too late, as I step on the gas pedal, and race off.

I hear it.

The screeching of the wheels. The smoke. The burning of tires.

* * *

><p>"Oh God, look at her!"<p>

The sound of gran's voice brings me back to real life. I look from my body to find her leaning against gramp's. Something's off.

"Do you think she'll make it?" she asks.

"She has to. She does... Now that Mason's gone." This comes from Lissa, who I didn't know was gone. She goes up to me, and gives me a kiss on my forehead, her salty tears landing on me.

"I love you she whispers," she walks out of the room, filled with too much emotion.

Gramps shuts his eyes close, and I see the tear roll down his cheek.

Mason, sweet, Mason, my brother.

He's dead too.


	6. What To Do

**I'm gonna cut this short since, there's going to be a sequel.**

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><p><em>9:00 <em>

After I find out about Mason's death I stay for a while longer, listening to gran and gramps talk. They talk about the future. Do I even have one? Do I want one? Not without my parents and brother. Gran leaves the room, saying she's gonna get coffee, but gramps and I know better: she's going to the bathroom and cry. Because even she can't be so strong. A few minutes go by in silence, then the nurse walks in to check up on me.

I don't know what she sees in gramps because she puts a comforting hand on his shoulder, gving it a light squeeze, while looking at me.

"She's in charge here, you know?" my expression mirrors his, and he asks what I silently ask.

"What do you mean?" she looks down at her.

"She's the one running this show. She can choose to come back," she pauses for a second or two before continuing,"or she can leave us. But only she can make that choice. She's in charge." With that she walks away from us, leaving us puzzled. Gramps seems to realize what she meant, and he scoots closer to my body. He grabs my cold hand, giving it a kiss, that I can't feel. I can see his eyes water a little. Then he lets the tears go, he doesn't do anything about them.

"Rosie," he starts, using my childhood nickname. "I love you."

He stops almost like he can't go on. And then he does.

"Its okay," he says, "if you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my life." His voice cracks with emotion, but then he clears his throat, taking a deep breath, and keeps going. "But that's what I want. I can see why it might not be what you want. So I just want to tell you that I understand if you 's okay if you have to leave us. Its okay if you want to stop fighting."

For the first time, someone recognizes what I've lost. And it almost feels like a gift. Gramps slumps back in his chair, and looks at me. Its really quiet by then, so quiet you can almost hear me say, "Thank you."

.

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.

He was gone. He was dead. He'd had a machine breathing for him too, and he'd made his decision. He'd stop fighting.

He left a whole in my chest that made it impossible to breathe, for months. Lissa tried to help me, tried to make me laugh, but I was a zombie. Everything reminded me of him. I kept seeing his wonderful eyes. His smile. Hearing his laugh. Feeling his kisses.

He left me with broken promises, a shattered heart, and a fear of love.

How was I suppose to love again, when he had stopped fighting for us.

Now, I can understand, though, why he left. He didn't have anyone, but me in this life; his parents had died when he was very little, and he'd gone into foster care at an early age.

I feel alone, now I know that's how he felt. Except he had me...

And now I have Adrian.

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><p>It was approximately a year and a half after his death, the beginning of my senior year.<p>

I slammed the door to my car, in frustration.

"Why so angry?" my eyes snap up the person who's talking to me. He's tall, not as tall as Dimitri, but close enough. He has messy bronze hair, and stunning green eyes. I walk away and he catches up to me.

"No name?" he asks, trying to make conversation. I don't answer, walking into the school, and straight to my class room.

English with Stan Alto, a class Dimitri had once been in. It feels so over whelming, Lissa puts a hand on my arm, but I can't stop the tears. I ran out of the room into the bathroom. Lissa close behind.

We sit against the wall, me crying, with her hugging me, her own silent tears falling on my hair.

* * *

><p>At lunch time, I look a little bit more decent, and Lissa and I walk into he cafeteria. The room goes silent. Everyone looks at us, well more like at me. I look straight ahead, and find myself looking at a banner. With his face on it. I've been trying to avoid it, but today marks his first year anniversary.<p>

I swallow the lump on my throat. Breathing in an out, Lissa with an arm around my shoulders. He was quite the celebrity in his high school years. I don't say anything and sit down on the nearest table, that happens to have the kid from earlier there.

"Is everything alright?" he asks, with actual concern.

Some girls pass by, giving me teddy bears, and flowers.

"We're sorry for your loss," they say together. I can't say anything, so I just nod. I drop what they give me on the floor. Then the whispers start. The whispers are about me. I can even hear a senior telling the new guy about it.

I get up, walk away, and drive home.

He's gone. And I have to deal with it.

* * *

><p>I didn't want to go out on a date, but Lissa convinced me. I'd only known the guy for a week. His name was Adrian Ivashkov; another European. Just what I needed.<p>

He picked me up, and I got into his Honda.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Surprise."

I shook my head.

That night at the concert, for the first time in a year, I smiled. A real smile.

* * *

><p>It was Christmas day, and Adrian stood at my door, a box in his hand.<p>

"Merry Christmas."

Frowning, I reached out to take the box. I opened it up, inside was a gold charm bracelet. It had a piano and a D, graved into a heart. My eyes shined with tears.

"Thank you," I whispered. He smiled and hugged me.

"I love you Rose."

I didn't say it back, not that day. But when I did say it, a month later on his birthday, I knew I meant it.

But now three weeks later, I was here, in a hospital bed, between life and death.

.

.

.

_10:00_

I couldn't take it. I couldn't feel anything. I ran out into the coldness that is outside. Thought I can't feel that anymore. I stand there, I don't know for how long, but then I see the car.

It's a gray Honda, it's Adrian's car. He runs into the hospital and I follow him back to my room, and I can see the tears running down his cheeks.

I have to make a decision, but I just can't. Stay here with almost nothing, or join my family and Dimitri?

* * *

><p><strong>Merry Christmas (:<strong>


	7. Dimitri

_9:15_

He walks into my room, and stops short. He makes a strangling noise, that alerts gran and gramps he's 's panting, his lungs are working hard, as if he'd run a marathon. I can smell his sweat, that's like a scent I would bottle up and wear, and the saltness in his tears. His eyes puffy and red.

Gran and gramps look at him, getting up. They walk towards him, and stand in front of him.

"We'll leave you alone with her," gran says. All Adrian does is nod and look at my body. He walks over to the chair where gramps had just been in, and sits, more like slumps. I sit across from him, I close my eyes, then open them; his eyes are closed. He covers his face with his hands and takes deep breaths to steady himself. After a minute or so, he drops his hands into his lap. "Just listen," he says with a voice that sounds like shrapnel.

My eyes are wide open now, I sit up straight, and I listen.

"Stay." With that one word, Adrian's voice catches but he swallows the emotion and pushes forward. "There's no word to what happened to you. There's no good side of it. But there is something to live for. And I'm not talking about me. It's just... I don't know. Maybe I'm talking shit. I know I'm in shock. I know I havent digested what happened to your parents, to Mason..." When he says Mason, his voice cracks and an avalanche of tears tumble down his face. And I think: I love you.

"All I can think about is how fucked up it would be for your life to end here, now. I mean, I know your life is fucked up no matter what now, forever. And I know I can't undo that, no one can. If you stay I'll do whatever you want. I was talking to Lissa, she said how difficult it might be to go back to your old life... I'll go with you wherever you want to, I'll stay away too. Just stay."

Then it is Adrian that lets go. His sobs burst like fists pounding against tender flesh.

I close my eyes. I can't watch this. I cover my ears. I can't hear this.

And then it's not Adrian I'm hearing. Its a soft, stroke of a key. He's placed headphones over my ears playing an early Mozart composition.

I want to cry. And I want to hug him.

He holds my hand.

.

.

.

"Play for me," he whispers in my ear. I frown, not sure I want to.

"Please," he pleads.

"Yes, Rose. Play for us," Sonya urges me, winking at me. I roll my eyes at her. Its early January, and we're inside my house. Adrian and I are sitting next to each other next to my piano. I feel insecure about playing in front of others.

"Its just family," my dad says. I look at him, and I know he's trying to make up for what happened with Dimitri. His name is now easier to say in my mind and out loud. I haven't played the piano since his funeral.

I stare into Adrian's green eyes. And I find myself getting lost. Instinctively I reach out to trace his lips, a small smile on my own lips. Then I look down at the white and black keys, and stroke the first key.

Playing Debussy's Clair De lune.

All the time I stare into his emerald green eyes.

After I finish everyone applauds, everyone but him. He just looks at me, leans down and kisses me. A kiss I savor.

.

.

.

_9:30_

I love him. He was the light in my darkness. He showed me, in such a short amount of time, to love again. To be happy. To smile. To laugh. To play.

And as the song keeps on playing I see my life if I stay.

I visit a cemetery. Three graves stones in front of me.

I lay next to Adrian, my head in his chest.

I hear people say the word "orphan" and realize they're talking about me.

I am sitting next to Mason watching our favorite movie.

I hug Dimitri and whisper ,"I love you."

I am sitting in front of my piano, Mom and Dad behind me.

And I see Adrian and I holding hands.

And as I am about to get up from my chair a shadow catches my eye.

Because right behind Adrian, Dimitri is standing there, looking right at me.


	8. Strength

**Well This is the end. I intended there to be 10 chpaters... but I made a mistake -_-**

**So thank you for reading.**

* * *

><p>I open my mouth and close it.<p>

"What the fuck?" I ask out loud.

Dimitri laughs. He just outright laughs, throwing his head back, and just... laughs.

He looks at me and sees my expression.

"Sorry, Roza."

I'd missed that sound. It was musical, like the sound of a piano when the right keys are played.

His expression turns serious. "Have you decided yet?" he asks. I shake my head, and he walks over to me.

"You have to."

"What...?" he smiles.

"I was sent here to make your decision easier."

I raise my eyebrows.

"I miss you," I whisper,my voice cracking.

He pulls me in for a hug, "I've missed you too. So much. I love you, still do. Day after day each day that passes by."

He smells so much like his old self. That musky scent that was his afterhave, an aftershave I bought after his death, just to smell it. But he also smells like home.

"He loves you."

His voice is soft and understanding.

"I know."

He doesn't say anything. "Mom? Dad? Mason?" I ask urgently.

"All fine. They want you to know that whatever decision you make... They're okay with it. They love you, and they know you're strong."

I shut my eyes, images of them filling my mind.

"What about you?" I ask him, opening my eyes.

"What about me?" he asks.

"What do you think I should do."

He takes in a deep breath.

"I'd tell you to leave. To leave them, and come with me, and your family. But that's selfish, Roza. I love you, don't forget that. And if you do stay, it's not going to be easy. What happened to you, what you're going through is fucked up beyond believe. You'll never be the same."

My eyes drift back to Adrian.

Stay?

Leave?

And the memories of my life as it was, and the flashes of it as it might be, are coming so fast and furious. I feel like I can no longer keep up with them but they keep coming and everything is colliding, until I cannot take it anymore. Until I cannot be like this one second longer. Dimitri lets go of my hand, and I can't see him.

Because he knows my choice before I do.

How did people make these kind of decisions? Did they even make these kind of decisions? If so, why? Why are these decisions so hard to make? I made decisions all the time, but none like this. This shouldn't be up to me, should it? My God, couldn't someone make this decision for me? I looked up at the ceiling hoping I would get some kind of signal.

Nothing.

I shook my head, looking down at my heart monitor. "Beep. Beep. Beep..." my heart was beating normally. If I wanted to leave, do I just stop... But stop what?

I then looked at the lonely man sitting by my heart monitor, holding my hand. Lending me strength; his strength. I wanted to rustle his hair, tell him everything would be okay...but I knew otherwise.

Because how I can I stay in this world? When I had nothing left, not matter what I didn't know, I knew the truth. The answer was simple:

I couldn't.

I just can't stay in this world; not after _this. _How can people go through this? I don't think I'll ever comprehend. My heart was aching, feeling the loss of everything. I watched myself, laying there in that bed. I looked at him then, the tear that fell out of his eye, onto my hand, and somewhere inside me, I am crying too. I can feel again. Not only the physical pain, the emotional one too. I know that if I decide to stay, my heart will never be the same, feel the same.

I remember the nurses words: _I'm _running the show.

I imagine everything that I have lost.

I decide. I know this now.

There is a blinding flash, a pain that rips through me for one searing instant, a silent scream from my broken body. For the first time, I can sense how fully agonizing staying will be.

I hear the beep of my heart monitor, indicating my decision; I hear his voice too.

He squeezes my hand again. And I can feel it. Actually feel it, not just sense it. Adrian is crying, and somewhere inside me I'm crying too. Because I'm feeling things at last. I'm feeling not just the physical pain, but all that I have lost, and it is profound and catastrophic and will leave a crater in me that nothing will ever fill. The feelings pile up, threatening to crack my chest wide open. The only way to survive them is to concentrate on Adrian's hand grasping mine.

And suddenly I just need to hold his hand more than I've ever needed anything in this world. Not just be held by it, but hold it back. I am every remaining ounce of energy into my right hand. I'm weak and this is so hard. It's the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I summon all the love I have ever felt, I summon all the strength Gran and Gramps and everyone else has given me. I summon all the breadth mom, dad, and Mason would give me if they could. I summon all of my own strength, focus it like a laser beam into the fingers and palm of my right hand. I picture myself stroking Mason's hair. Playing the piano for Dimitri. I picture myself and Adrian's interlaced hands.

And then I squeeze.

Not really knowing what I've just done, I slump back into my own body.

But then I feel Adrian's grip tighten, I hear the sharp intake of his breath followed by the sound of his voice. It's the first time today, I can truly hear him.

"Rose?"

* * *

><p><strong>Done. Well I'll say it. I did copy some of the author's actual words... They don't belong to me, at all.<strong>

**So yeah, how many of you thought Rose would leave from the first chapter? :D**

**Review and another chapter might be added. Thank you soooo much for reading! And extra thank you for those that ACTUALLY reviewed -_-.**

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